We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
☠️☠️☠️
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.