“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Easy enough.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.