Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too