Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?