The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go