Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
you gotta be faster
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.