I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions