@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*