If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*