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ME: Oh no.
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.