*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
A sick whale is called an unwhale
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?