Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea