What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.