“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
scrabbled eggs
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
me irl
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.