nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
inside you are two wolves
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s