I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*praying for world peace*
God:
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.