Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.