I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You Might Also Like
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The funk soul brother
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.