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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!