my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”