I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“What?”
– Jude
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.