Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge