Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.