If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
meanwhile over on facebook
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.