(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
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Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
when someone rings the doorbell
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific