“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af