“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Bro what is this
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”