Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
This was the best day of my life
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
He’s cranky this morning