Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
You Might Also Like
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!