Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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Bros before Ohioes
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.