Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
You Might Also Like
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“HELP WITH CAT”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!