Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
#parenting
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed