Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Was it something I said?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.