Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
You Might Also Like
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
How wrong was this guy?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend