$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation