911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
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When you let grandma cat sit
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Breaking news:
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”