There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.