In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
You deplete me
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.