[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Nomnomnomnom
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”