I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
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If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.