him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
no such thing as a dumb question
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
reviewed some movies recently
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.