“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.