[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.