I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Mad Max: Furry Road
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.