*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
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wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Lmao 🤣
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…