This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it