Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
OH. COME. ON.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
me and the Superbowl rn
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: