ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
You Might Also Like
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Hero horse inspires millions
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.