Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.