If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Breaking news:
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I wish this was real life…
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Wait a second…
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes